Confessions Of A Dreamer

Why - Rascal Flatts

2012-02-27T15:52:00.001-08:00

For The Fallen

2012-02-27T15:51:00.000-08:00

When you grow up with someone, they're always there. In the halls at school. At church. On the bus on your way home. But you never think twice. You make casual conversation, thinking there's always going to be a second chance to talk to them. You share a bunch of laughs and many memories. But then suddenly, it all ends. Something happens that is completely unexpected. Your thoughts are filled with "why?" and "what could I have possibly done?" Yesterday we lost a dear friend, Tanner. A beautiful soul with everything going for him. His shining personality masked what was going on inside. It hurts to think that he is gone. All I can see is his smile in my mind, oh man I wish I could see that smile just one more time. I wasn't that close to him but I feel like we all think we will have the chance to become close with people, you know? Like they're always going to be around. Tanner was one of us. He was a falcon, and to me that means a lot. He was a good kid that made everyone feel better on a bad day. He was a great example to us of always being there for our friends, and that's what I am going to remember him for. Today our school dressed up in memory of him. Wow that was such a beautiful sight! To see a bunch of teenage kids, even people who didn't know him, dressing up and honoring him. I am truly honored to be a falcon and to see my beautiful school pulling together after this difficult news. My amazing friends, family, and of course the gospel are what is helping me cope. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have about life. After all, families are forever. I hope that fact helps the Birch's. Now we can judge all we want on what happened. Rumors are flying and sometimes it's hard to keep cool and not want to punch people in the face. The truth is that ONLY Tanner and our Heavenly Father knows exactly what happened. Tanner, man I know you are up there with angels figuring everything out. I know He gives you peace and that He is giving us peace too. I just hope we all learn from this experience. That we take the lessons with us. Life is worth living. It's worth the fight. NEVER forget that. If you need someone to talk to, there are many who love you. Maybe I'm one of them? Gauranteed I would be there for you if you came and asked for help. Heavenly Father loves you! Never waste a moment with someone you love. Be open. Be kind. Be loving. Stay strong :)

A Taste Of Preference

2012-02-15T16:33:00.000-08:00

Preference 2012 was defintely one of my favorite dances I have ever been to! A cute boy, my best friends, a beautiful dress.. what more could you possibly want? Nothing. Nothing at all! But I do regret not taking enough pictures... hard to believe I know! Our day went at follows: daydate (cupcake wars), pictures (at Julie's), dinner (Boston's), dance (sooo funn!), and movie at Tavia's. Everything went fantastic and I loved every moment! But sometimes words aren't enough to explain.. that's when pictures come in! :)

Another dance down, more to come! I love my life and the people in it.. :)Keep dreamin! xoxoxox

Don't Read This: Simply Depressing.

2012-01-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

You know when you are hurting, hurting so bad no one understands. Not even your best friend or your mom. So whenever you are alone you just sit and cry listening to Taylor Swift. Yeah, that's what I am doing right this second. I can't explain why I am sad, I am not going to sugar coat it. I like a guy. Well realllllllly like a guy and of course, he doesn't like me. I almost, well no I do, wish that I could go back to when I was happy. Like the come home and do nothing but talk about him kind of happy. Or the I just got a text from him, I'm going to scream and giggle for ten minutes kind of happy. But wait, no here is my favorite, the oh my gosh I think he likes me, kind of happy. I guess through all that happy there has to be some sad, right? It's like the universe saying: "Hey Rach, I know your supper happy right now but I've got to put a stop to it, cause you know you've never been this happy before and it's just not working." Oh and my favorite part of being extremely broken-hearted, the pity you feel from everyone. I feel like my friends have only seen me go through heartache. Like ONLY seen me go through it. Everyone comes up to you saying "hey, how are you doing?". Let's see I could go with the telling how I really feel.."ohhh you wanna know? Okay well here we go. I am terrible. Everywhere I go, I think of him. I go past his truck after school and I want to cry. I look through my pictures of me and him, and I want to cry. I walk into English, not seeing him there, and I want to cry. I sit there at lunch looking at his brown eyes, and I want to cry. And do you want to hear the best part? He doesn't even care." Yeah that probably wouldn't go well.. So I go with the usual "I'm okay." I know they truly do care and want to know how I am doing, but I have decided that no matter what I say, it isn't going to make anything better. So I just save some pain and a long story about a naive young girl to them. Why make them feel so uncomfortable? For those who know how I really am I just stick with "I will be okay." because I do mean that. I will be okay, someday. Hopefully soon. It just stinks, thinking that for once I will get to be happy. Me, Rachael Fresh, get to be happy. Like disgustingly happy, but then it blows up. Bammm. Never mind! Let's just stick with being sad, okay? I am going to be okay. I have beautiful friends and tons of guys to seamlessly flirt with, to make the pain slightly go away. It's just when I am alone is when it gets to me. Luckily music helps too. "Stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known. I'm not a princess. This ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you sweep off her feet, lead her up the stair well. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town. I was a dreamer before and you let me down. Now it's too late for you and your Whitehorse to come around. Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes. And never really had a chance." TAYLOR SWIFT YOU ARE WRITING MY LIFE! Honestly, that's exactly how I feel. I hope you didn't read this, or think about this. These are my honest to goodness feeling about my depressing life. I just needed to get them out there, cause honestly I'm done talking to my friends about it. I'm done analyzing it, making it seem like it wasn't my fault. Cause it is. My fault for thinking I had a chance.. but I have prayed so hard that whatever is happening, is happening for a reason. I have also prayed to accept what this is, and to be guided through it. I'll keep you updated I promise! Things are going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. Well,I'll just keep saying that to myself and hopefully it will turn out that way.. (:

You Don't Need A Death Bed

2012-01-17T18:39:00.000-08:00

So if you know me you know that I have theeee weirdest dreams, ever! Like of people turning into buses and running over mean boys kind-of-weird. They would always be a topic for me and my friends to talk about. "Hey do you want to hear the weird dream Rachael had last night?" Yah I was that person. It's fun though cause we would always find some kind of deep meaning to them to make it funny. “I had a dream last night I tripped over a pair of chopsticks?" "Don't ever eat Chinese food, again!" haha. Well, a couple of nights ago I had a dream that I got in a terrible accident and I had to be taken into surgery that I had a 10% chance of living, kind of puts a downer on things huh? Well I was sitting there in the bed watching doctors and my family all frantically running around trying to fix me up when they told me I had 5 minutes to say goodbye. So I kissed my mom on the cheek and told my brothers I loved them, when a couple of faces popped into my mind. I asked for 5 more minutes to say goodbye to some of the most important people in my life. Julie, Emma, Melissa, Amy, and Kinzie walked in with tears in their eyes. I told them each things that they needed to hear and what I needed to say. Some things were funny and some things were just plain depressing, well the whole dream was quite depressing actually. Then I asked for a boy to come in. A special boy. And I told him exactly how I felt about him and I told him to kiss me. Who wants to die a lip virgin for goodness sakes right? Haha. Well for some odd reason I cannot get his dream out of my head! I don't know if I lived or if I died. Don't you hate those kinds of endings? I do! All I know is why does that matter? We should be able to tell the people that mean the most exactly how we feel about them, lying on our death bed or not, right? I should be able to tell Kinzie to never give up on her dreams and to let the world see her light, right? I should be able to tell Julie that she is the strongest person I have ever met and that she will see endure, right? I should be able to tell Emma that she deserves the best guy in the world and to ditch that egg head, right? And I should tell Melissa that I am so grateful for her in my life, right? But I should also be able to tell the guy that I am crazy about him how much I do care, right? Well the last one is really really scary. Times like a billion and a half. What I am trying to say in my scrambled thoughts is that we never know when life could suddenly end and that we should never waste a moment. Dare to dream, but don't let the world, keep you from living that dream. I think that's what my dream was about. That or I watch wayyyyy too much Grey's Anatomy for my own good. Dream your heart out! XOXOXo

What We Want

2012-01-15T18:46:00.000-08:00

We always want something. Whether it's a new pair of jeans, a bigger house, a boyfriend, etc. And when we get that thing we have wanted, we move on to wanting something else. I used to want to be baptized. I wanted it so bad. I was sad when I would sit there with absolutely no hope for the future, well until I turned 18. But I wanted it then, I didn't want to wait for something that I knew I absolutely wanted for myself. And now that I am baptized all I want is to have a family that can be together forever. Like I said, we move on to a new dream we want. But I have learned that sometimes we focus on what we want and not what we have. Yesterday I got the chance to go to my one of my close friend's baptism. Eneida approached me a couple weeks ago about the church knowing that I was a convert. She wanted to know my experience with being the only member in my family and of course me being a crazy Mormon I was sooooo excited to share the gospel with her! I told her it wasn't easy. Every day you try to be better but sometimes people will tare you down, even your family. But in the end it's worth it. Every moment you feel the Savior's love for you, well it's indescribable. I also found out that her family was not going to be attending the baptism, which is so hard. To already know that you are hurting them for something that you are choosing to do, well that hurts you too. You want them to feel the same things you are. Like in Sunday school today we were talking about the Tree of Life and how when Lehi partook of the fruit of life he wanted to share it with all his family, but only a fraction of them followed him. Some went totally off the path. As a young convert I have always felt that way. You want them to feel the joy, the peace, the love. But it's your choice and not theirs to make. As she walked into that room dressed in white surrounded by her friends and ward members I know that she was making the right decision for herself. The whole day I kept thinking about my baptism, and how my family was there for me. I am so incredibly grateful for them and for their support. I have realized that I was focusing so much on the fact that my family can't be sealed, but I am so lucky to have them supporting me and being there for me during that special day. I will never forget when I walked out of that water, feeling like I was on cloud nine, and I gave my mom theee biggest hug ever. With wet eyes I kept saying to her as she held me "mom it feels sooo good. I feel so good"! It's taught me that timing is everything and that the Lord has perfect timing. If I hadn't had the desire to be baptized until I was older it probably wouldn't have happened because of my parent's divorce. Or it would have happened without one of them there. I'm glad for the great timing the Lord has because I know without the Holy Ghost and my faith I would be far from okay right now. But I'm holding on. My baptism day was beautiful and enchanting. I told Eneida to write down how she was feeling right now, because she will look upon this day for the rest eternity. It will be the best day of her life. All the things she was worrying about just moments before, will be washed away. All her fears and sadness will be gone. I am so grateful for her example and her friendship. I know that our Savior Jesus Christ died for us that we can follow his example and be baptized. We can live with him and our Heavenly Father again. I also know that Heavenly Father answers our prayers. Mine were answered pretty recently when I received financial aid to BYU especially for youth. I can go with my best friend to one of my favorite places in the world! And have beautiful experiences and meet new people! Ahhh I am so excited! Now all I need is a job to help my mom out a bit.. Hey Heavenly Father can you help me out with that one? Oh! You're working on it? Okay. Thanks! Keep dreaming my friends! XOXOXOXO

I'm Back!!

2012-01-14T18:59:00.000-08:00

Yes I have been gone for a while and I apologise. Won't happen again! And if I said that a lot hasn't happened since my last post, I would be a complete liar! Well let's get his started shall we?First things first! The beautiful holdiay season. This year was really hard because it was the dreaded first christmas since my parents divorce. Eww. I strongly dislike that word. But guess what? I did it! Yay! I went on a date to temple square with some of my beautiful best friends and an amazing guy. So much fun! Just like every evening with them.. memories were made! Annnnd of course I took some pictures.. (:

I spent most of the break being lazy. What else is there to do when you have no school? I loved it! I needed that week and a half to just chill and have fun! Christmas eve was really different. My mom tried her best to make it good but I was really hurting. Like unspeakable hurting. As I sat in texas roadhouse with people I don't even know and Mass in a strange church where I didn't even feel the spirit I just wanted to back to last year when I was happy. But I enjoyed hanging with my mom as usual. Looking on the brightside as usual (: That morning was way fun! I got a new camera, backpack, apron, clothes, panda pillow pet, etc! Everything I wanted (: So I went to church, came home, and had some dinner with Aunt Kathy and Uncle Scoot! It was nice to be with family!

We also got a visit from some of thee Andersons! Love spending time with them. Expecially Pey! She is getting sooo big! Along with her attitude..

Me and my dear Melissa had to do a Psychology project where we sat at a stop sign for 2 hours counting cars! We packed up our hot chocolate and got ready for a suprisingly eventful day!

A visit from benjamin (:

And Kaylie & Cody!We thought for sure that girls were going to stop more then boys. But turns out we were soooo wrong! Boys stopped more then girls :(

But we did get an A! Yay for A's! 170 out of 150 (: Then came theeee best night of all! New Years Eve party at Austins!

But we did come out with one injury. Yes I did hurt my fingers in a cat fight with Emma. Priceless..

Last picture of 2011... (:

Thinking about this past year it was definetly theeee hardest of my life! But I am so grateful for all the good life changing things! Like my first dances (:

Getting voted into office (:

My first year of Ragnar..

And some of my adventures with my beautiful friends!

I have learned as long as you have a ton of faith, optimism, and a smile on your face everything will be okay! I'm grateful for all the people who make my life amazing and for my Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ for always being there for me (:Happy late new year!Keep dreaming (:

Just A Few Words

2011-12-12T18:37:00.000-08:00

Sayings that I fell in love with. Hope you enjoy <3

Reba McEntire - Somebody's Chelsea

2011-12-12T18:19:00.000-08:00

Fell in love with this song!I wanna be somebodys Chelsea..

Honest As Possible

2011-12-04T16:23:00.001-08:00

When you first meet someone anything is possible. You will discover if they are a saint or they could be a murderer. They could be a liar or dependable. Pesimistic or optimistic. You don't know. So you give them the benefit of the doubt. I believe people are good. They are capable of doing great things. So I trust them. I trust them until they give me reason not to. I think most of humans are like this. Like a dog and a shock collar. Its all fine and dandy until it zaps you! Then you will shake it off, give it another chance... until it zaps you again. Then you know you offically cannot trust this horrible mechanism desquised as a collar. I can tolerate a lot of things, but I will never tolerate lying. You lie, I give you a second chance. Because I do believe in those. But you lie again, we're done. There are a million reasons for you to lie. To make you seem cooler than you are, to bring someone down to your level, or to simply cover up anything you don't want known. But there are also a million reasons to tell the truth. I hope most people trust me because I have learned that when people don't trust you, your life is crap. You can't take their word for anything, and who knows... maybe they are going off lying to others about you. So I take honesty very seriously. I try my best to be as honest as possible. I mean I'm human so it's not always going to work, but we all have things that are important to us. Surronding myself with people I trust is important to me. I have had people come and go in my life. I have dealt with leaving. I have a wall surrounding my heart with a zipper type of thing. I won't get emotionally deep involved with you until I open up the zipper all the way so you can come all the way in. Kay that sounded kind of weird, but you get the picture. I have learned people do lie. They lie and backstab and cheat. They tell you things and one day they don't mean them anymore. But I have also learned that people can change your life in good ways. They come in like a guest star: there for a certain reason, then they eventually leave. Or they can become perminantly apart of your life. But it's all up to a little thing called fate. Yes I'm one of those corny people who believe in destiny and fate, but only because I believe that Heavenly Father has a hand in every little thing in our life. Who knows when someone you least expect will pop into your life and completely change the game. But you can't go out looking for those people. All you can do is be the best person possible and know that when they do come, you will be ready. I'm talking about future loves and friends. I would have never guessed when my best friend Emma came into my life that I would be so lucky to have someone as her. She holds my hand when I cry and makes me laugh when I'm sad. And even though we are changing, it doesn't matter because we will always be best friends. I will still show up to her dance compeditions and she will be there cheering me on at tennis. And there is Melissa Rassmussen who is always there to here me talk about boys and listen to me freak out (love you lissa!). And Kinzie Meyer who is such a great example to me and who pushes me to put myself out there! I could go on and on about all the beautiful people in my life. I am so blessed! All these bad times lead me to some amazing friends who I wouldn't trade for the world! If you are going through a rough time, just know Heavenly Father will send you someone or something to make the weight a little bit lighter. Trust me, I know from experience :)

Have a happy Sunday :)

The Cutest Love Scene EVER! Enchanted: So Close

2011-12-02T17:16:00.000-08:00

Love this part in Enchanted. Could watch millions of times. Over and over again. Nothing like a beautiful first dance between two people in love who are actually there with someone else. Ohhh and Patrick Demsey is beautiful!

Dream A Dream Of You

2011-11-28T15:09:00.001-08:00

People always say not to take any moment for granted. Live like there is no tomorrow. Don't wait for a second chance to come around. Don't settle for a life full of regrets. That isn't me. I depend on tomorrow to make me feel better. To give me hope. I just hope for another day so I can keeping going. So I can have a second chance. Have you ever met someone that completely changes your life? .I have. Too many times to count. All these boys that I have let my heart fall for in the past suddenly are nothing to me anymore. Because I found a great guy. A great guy that is my best friend. A guy that teases me constantly but I love every moment of it because I know he does it cause he cares. He makes me feel beautiful and treats me like I'm the only person in the world. Your probably wondering "what the heck? does she have a boyfriend?" not exactly. Im just falling for a boy that might or might not be falling for me too. Scary huh? I'm putting myself out there. And I have hope cause he is different. I'm not the relationship kind of person. I would rather have fun and go on tons of dates and just flirt it up, which I do still plan to do. Don't you worry! But I love the fact that I have met someone so special. He is my friend. The person that makes me feel better when I feel so awful. That is what I cherish the most. Is something going to happen? I have no idea! I thought something was going to happen with half the guys I have liked lately. And guess what? It never happened. I think every single teenage girl wants to be wanted so bad that we make up little things that don't actually happen, so that we can feel like we actually do have a chance. "He smiled at me... that must mean HE LIKES ME!" hahah that's how it goes usually. Trust me I do that exact thing. I guess you don't really know until you know. Until you take that chance and tell him how you feel. And that can even end up crashing and burning. Putting yourself out there is always scary. That will never change. But with the help of my beautiful best friends and my mom they keep pushing me! I need that. I'm grateful for that. Now I'm just wishing and hoping.. and dreaming that whatever happens I will be happy. Cause right now I am so happy! Happy knowing that if he does like me he likes me for me. Not for my body, or my status, or anything superficial like that. He likes me for me. Well lets hope so and lets hope for a first kiss soon. I have been waiting for that for soooo long! It better be special. And I think it will be. Well lets dream that will be. Thanks for reading! XOXOXOXOXO

Sweet Sadies 2011 :)

2011-11-26T12:08:00.001-08:00

When a group of people plan a dance a lot more goes into it than you could ever expect. There are hundreds of things to consider. DJ, theme, food, date, cost, decorations, assembly, royalty, the list goes on and on! You are constantly feeling stress to live up to expectations and for every little thing to go as planned. You have to worry about purchase orders and admistration being okay with everything. You have to worry about what money and money and money. But the best part of planning a dance is going into it all out, putting your whole heart and soul into it. Then walking out of that newly cleaned gym and feeling the weight just lift off of your shoulders. Knowing, that you did your absolute best. But it doesn't stop there.. cause then you get told that your dance, the dance you have been planning for months and months and months, was the most attended in ten years. Yah that makes everything you worried about worth it. Completely. Sadies was my baby and I'm sooo proud how it turned out! During leadership conference at Utah State this summer we came up with the theme Sweet Sadies. All of a sudden all these ideas went pouring out. We started to think about chocolate fountains and willy wonka and ballons and sooo much more! Of course we had to figure out how we were going to put all of that into reality. It became bigger than any of us had ever expected. We also had to worry about Juniors Week. It came faster than fast. Lightning fast. But looking back it was one of the funnest weeks I have even had in my life.

I'm kinda a nerd! I love assembly practices and lunchtime activties. I guess I just love being involved :) I also got the honor of being nominated for Junior Royalty! Boy was that unexpected! I was sooo touched that people would actually vote for me. Me! The girl who everyone said was nice and pretty but never really knew. The girl who used to sit in the quiet corner scared to get in front of the class, well that still happens sometimes, but I felt soo good when I saw my name on a couple ballots, but to be on royalty. Well that was a dream come true! Probably the most stressful of anything was the assembly recording. You see, because of our whole high-tech awesome world we do most of our assemblys like a movie. Execpt for when the cheerleaders, falcettes, etc. perform. Soo much easier! We did our assembly all about Willy Wonka. I was Veruka Salt and had to act snobby. If you know me at all you know I am not snobby, and I can't act. It was interesting!

But we still manage to have a fun fun time :)

After days and days of staying after school until seven we finally were done! Well until the day of the assembly. We are total bosses! Lunchtime activities went extremely well! We had..

Peanut Butter Jelly Wars :) where you had to feed someone else a peanut butter jelly sandwhich as fast as you can! got kinda messy.. :)

Doughnut on a string :) and then my least favorite, but most eventful! When the royalty got to get pied in the face..

Me and Syd before..

That was sooo gross! Dont worry I got ben back.. muahaha ;)

Went to fourth period smelling like old spoiled milk... I will never eat whipped cream EVER again. That is a vow I will take! Then it was Friday the big day! Assembly day! I was so proud of this hiliaroius assembly. My mama even came to see it <3 I love her!

I walked down in front of the whole school. Me, Rachael Fresh! I got nominated 1st runner up. Well I tied with the goregous Sydnie Adams! Geeez what a confidence booster! I was soo happy. Seemed like everyone enjoyed it! Well I know I enjoyed being humiliated. Now I can't walk through the halls without hearing "charlie bit mee!" ohh my. I love that :) haha! Now some of the weight was gone. All we had to do was decorate.. all night long! Ohh and in the morning! But we also got to do the guy's makeup at lunch! That was interesting.. :)

When we are all surviving on basically no sleep.. we get kinda crazy! hahaha

Now the fun part! Day date at Lazerzone, ice cream at farrs, dinner at Iggys and then THE DANCE!

I had the best time ever planning this dance! I hope everyone had a great night full of memories! Whats next for me?? Running for SBO.. wish me luck :)

Service Is All It Takes

2011-11-10T19:29:00.001-08:00

Today was a great day! But it wasn't a great day because the guy I like smiled at me or because I bought a new outfit. It was much more than that. Today was a great day because I got to do some good ol' service. When I was little we lived in the low income neighborhood. I only remember glimpses of it like running through the sprinklers with my little brothers and walking to kindergarten with my friends, but going back still feels like going home. It might just be my over-emotional, sentimental side haha but it's always been a place to go back to. To think about how much has changed. How much I have changed. I wonder what would have happened if we hadn't of moved. I wouldn't have made the friends I did which means I wouldn't have been invited to come to young womens which means I wouldn't have gone to church which leads to me not being baptised.. endless possiblities! But I know one thing is for certain: I wouldn't be the person I am today. Well anywho as I was saying..tonight as young women we got to go back and serve dinner to families in my old elementary school. I was overwelmed with what I was feeling. I was feeling sadness for some of the families who you could imagine were going through a tough time. I was happy for those who were so excited to get a warm meal. Most of all I was grateful for all I have. My family is going through our own kind of financial problems but so many people are helping us. Our family, friends, and ward are taking care of us. Ohhh and can't forget Heavenly Father! I feel so blessed to be where I am now. We are all worried about the future but I know our time is coming! Great things keep happening and I can only imagine that it's for our own good. So we can learn how to accept help and give help to others also. Blessings are in store I just know it! Now if I can just get through this next week... JUNIORS WEEK! Lunch activities, announcments, sadies assembly, and the dance! Should be interesting! Don't worry I'll share all bout it! Annnnd take pictures.. hey you know me! Keep in touch <3

The Best Two Years

2011-10-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

Exactly two years ago at this exact time (well maybe not this exact moment!) I was baptised a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. When I went to the Draper Temple open house almost a year before I had the overcoming feeling that I would be baptised one day. Of course knowing me, I shrugged it off, knowing how my mom was about the subject. She was always supportive of course and I was grateful for that, but sitting there in church, being just another visitor was never good enough for me. I wanted more. I wanted to take the sacrament knowing that I was renewing my covenants with my Heavenly Father. I wanted my hand to count when I raised it to sustain someone in their calling. I wanted the chance to have a calling. I wanted to be a member. That day was better than I ever could have ever expected. I had to keep telling myself that it was for real and that it actually was happening. The little butterflys in my stomach told me that it wasn't just a dream. I wore this beautiful, long, white dress. I was surounded by the most important people in my life. My family, my friends, and my ward all helped me get to that glorious day when I got to become like my Savior Jesus Christ. So many amazing things have happened because of the choice that I made to get baptised. I got to be the Miamaid president for a year, I got to get my patriarchal blessing (dont know what I would do without that!), but the best part is that everyday I have the Holy Ghost with me to guide me through whatever life throws at me. That day gave me so much hope for the future about my family. That we might be able to be together forever. Now that defintely isn't happening, but I'm trying not to dwell on the bad. Because I have the chance to find a eternal companion. Some handsome prince charming that is able to take me to the temple where we can be sealed for all of eternity. Some people wonder why I'm so picky about the guys I like but I don't think they understand. I have to have a husband that is going to be worthy to give my babies blessings. That can take me to the temple often. That can lead our family with patience and love and understanding. Because I never had those things. And what I didn't get to have, I want for my children. Now all that there is to do is date and have fun. And make myself the best person possible for my future husband so i can be the best wifey ever (: Wonder what he's doing right now?? Maybe thinking about me? Lets hope so (:

Happenings of Homecoming 2011

2011-09-30T16:16:00.000-07:00

So last week was the best week of the whole entire school year.. HOMECOMING WEEK! Last year I didn't really participate and I totally regreted it. So I made sure to do all that I could this year! I went to street painting on Monday where everyone painted the walk way to the football field! Me and the junior officers made this fantastic painting (:

And thennn Tuesday. Well Tuesday was a really bad day. We went to Cyprus expecting to dominate considering how well we did last time we played them.. but no. We played 3 sets and the match went on for 2 hours! So so hard. And we lost. It was soo discouraging because it's Cyprus and we should just totally distroy right?? I'm thinking we just had a mental thingy going on and didn't even think we had to try. Well we were wrong. I thought I was totally pathetic. But we had to move on and accept it cause we had region on Friday. Thursday was he dreaded SPLAT! We as junior officers were in charge and yes it was eventfull! but we got it done and it was sooo much fun! Heard it was the best splat that everyone had gone too?? Well I hope so cause that was the goal! I also got to make some more friends, which is my favorite thing ever . And of course get paint everywhere imaginable!! If you are every realllly bored put paint alll over yourself and go to wendy's! The looks you get are hiliarous (:

Friday was a crasy day! We had tennis regions in Salt Lake and we did great (: we played against Highland first and lost, which in my book isn't that big of a deal cause they're Highland! But then.. we had to verse Cyprus. The very same girls we lost against on Tuesday. But my beautiful partner Melissa came up with this saying "act not be acted upon"!! Oh my gosh it's amazing huh?? And it seemed to work.. cause we DEFEATED! The perfect ending to a wonderful season (: My favorite part was my last shot I ever took. I was up at the net and smashed it down. I love that feeling. Feeling of power. Feeling of complete control. Ohh and don't forget the feeling of the last hug ever with Melissa on the court. I played that last game for her. I fought for her. Love you lissa! That night was the tailgate party and the game! Love my school so much. We played East and did amazing cosidering how good they are. Proud to go to a school where winning isn't everything. Where all kinds of people come to the games to support our boys. Where their safety is our main concern. Falcons all the way babay!

The very next day was homecoming! I went with my bud Braxton Rogers and we made some awesome memories! I was lucky cause he was so respectful and made sure I had a great time, which I did! Don't we look gooooood? I think so..

Went for a picnic at the park and Texas Roadhouse for dinner! I was so lucky cause I had a hilarious group and a amazing date. (: couldn't have asked for a better night! And I didn't even pass out! Considering how tight my dress was.. ohh well beauty is pain righht? Not to mention my red heels. I got my heels and he got his Ute colors. He was happy and I was happy (:

We went to Sparetime after too where I kicked some major butt in Lazertag, just kidding! I totally got beat by Braxton! But heyy I'll get him for it someday haha. I absolutely loved our group (:

Overall a very good week! Unlike this week.. tough times are hard to push through! Being opitimistic though. Well at least trying (:

Shouldn't Want This

2011-09-18T11:22:00.000-07:00

You know when you have those days when everything seems to be going great? And then next thing you know life just sucks. Like really sucks. I should be able to focus on the thousand little things that are going perfect, instead of only thinking about the few big things that are going wrong. But right now I can't. I feel like the things that I want, I shouldn't want. Like everything is just so... wrong. I just wish for one minute I could know exactly what to do. I've never felt so.. confused and helpless. I just want my dad to leave and never come back into my life, but I don't want to lose him. Seeing his face.. just makes me want to disapear. It gives me no hope for the future. He made a mistake and he needs to suffer the consequences, but what are those consequenes going to be? I hate that it's up to me. Just like everything else. Just like with my "main squeeze" (tennis laughs save my life!). I just want him to care about me too. To want to be with me. I just want him to take me in his arms and make everything go away, but I know it's not going to happen. I'm putting myself out there, on this ledge about to fall for him, and yet I can't get myself to take that step. Everyone's telling me not to. But I want to. I'm tired of not feeing good enough, because I am good enough! I wish it could be as simple as picking the petals off a flower.. "he likes me, he likes me not.". Life: simplified. Ughhh so confused! Heyy fairy godmother?? I could really use you right now! Make me into a princess and give me my prince! But do you know whats even better than a fairy godmother? A Heavenly Father. I know everything is going to be okay. He will help me. You're probably thinking, wow this girl is really messed up. But this blog, is the only way I really get it all out there. Cause I'm too lazy to journal, sad I know! I guess all I can do now is smile, be excited for homecoming, and do the rest of my hours of homework! Praying this week will be grrreat :) Thanks for reading this stuff :) Have a happy Sunday!

Winning Isn't Everything

2011-09-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

I have never been the kind of person who has to win. I'm not saying I'm not compeitive cause I am, trust me! But it hasn't been that big of a deal to me. I'm good at losing. I know how to get defeated and still have a smile on my face. I can lose with grace and diginity and shake it off. This week I didn't have to do that. This week was a fantastic week! My beautiful tennis partner and I won our first match against Cyprus! Wahoooo! We fought for it and it was worth all the waiting I have done to win. the best part is that we beat our assistant coach's niece! It made me feel like I proved that I deserve to be on varsity. Then on Friday night my wonderful school Clearfield High beat Ogden! Which is awesome! But not so awesome because a lot of the guys got hurt. I would have traded winning for a perfectly healthy team. Well what I am getting at here is that winning isn't everything. (ohhhhhh and I forgot my cougars won too! yayayayaya) Winning gains confidence, sometimes too much confidence. It makes you feel like your worth all the effort. But the best way to build your confidence isn't through winning. It's from walking away knowing you did your absolute best and no one can take that away from you. Winning in tennis was great and I even cried I was so happy, but I look back and I know that I had a great time and I learned from the match even if we wouldn't have won. Well I guess all there is to do now is to take what I have learned and go verse the hard times alllll over again. Looking forward to this week and the challenges it will bring :) I love tennis. I love my school. I love football. Will I love homecoming?? Well let's see how he asks me first! Crossies!!

Fear of Falling... and Failing

2011-08-29T14:59:00.000-07:00

Last Monday I walked into Clearfield High with a giant smile on my face because coming back to school... was like coming home. Sure I was going to miss sleeping in and doing absolutely nothing but I missed my school even more. I missed my friends and their beautiful smiling faces that gets me through the hard times. I missed a certain person that makes my heart beat uncontrollably.. :) I loved showing everyone how much I had changed and seeing how people had changed over these few months. I love my school. I love it's history and the love there. I love being apart of the future of Clearfield High and having the chance to make it a better place. But it turns out right now I really want it to be summer again. Hours and hours of homework is completely draining and I hate sitting in class thinking "ohhh no. how am I going to handle even more?!!". I don't miss being confused about boys, not knowing what to say or how to handle yourself. I just wish I had a magic genie to tell me exactly what to say to get him to like me! Boys aren't the most important things but he is pretty important to me :) I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail with everything! If there is anything that you should know about me it's that I have a fear of failing. So that's not good. Not to mention I talked to my dad for the first time face to face since like a.. month ago? And after I remembered exactly why I sayed away. I can't handle it. I'm a control freak and I have absolutely no control over him. There I admited it. But there is more to it than just that. I can't see him without thinking how much he hurt me. This is the first time I have written anything about him on this blog.. and it feels good to get it out. I don't think, wait no, I know for a fact our relationship will never be the same. That's sad, but it's the consequences of his choices. So if there is anyone needing of prayers right now.. its me! Send them my way! Haha. This year is going to be tough but I'm crossing my fingers it will end up being amazing too! Now if only I could find a date to homecoming... :)

Everything Happens For A Reason

2011-08-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

Finding a job is so hard! I remember sitting there in my living room feeling hopeless, like I had tried everything and nothing was going the way it was supposed to. I should know by now to be patient because Heavenly Father always sends me good things when I least expect it. The Tumblebus was the perfect first job for me! I sat teaching today, my last day, thinking about how much I was going to miss all these little faces and hugs. Wondering about what kind of people they would one day be. I kept a little prayer in my heart that my Heavenly Father would keep each one of them safe and happy. I walked away from the last day care with tears in my eyes, knowing that I probably wouldn't see them again. Hear their laughter at something funny we had said or their excited screams when we drove up. I will never forget them and their little personalities. And knowing me I took tons of pictures, so I deffintely will never forget! :)

Little Masey :) haha they love to have their hair blown in the wind from the fan! She would sit there all day if we would let her!

Me, Renae, and Malia! These girls are so full of craziness! Love them :)

Kaylee and Andrew! I will be attending their wedding someday! Well at least thats what they told me! Ohh and Kaylee said when she grows up, she wants to be a tumblebus teacher! :)

Gotta love gummy bear time :)
Im soo grateful for my chance to teach on the tumblebus! I know these will be the memories that I will carry throughout my life! I will miss it with all my heart. The kids taught me a lot about life and they made me become even more confident that I want to be a teacher when I grow up. But next time I won't be in a big yellow bus! Which isn't as exciting, but still what I see myself doing! A new job soon? Ohhh heaven help me with that! Hopefully at a daycare? Well after tennis is over at least! One step at a time Rach, one step at a time!
Thanks for listening :)

Not Expected

2011-08-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

When I'm out on the tennis court I feel like I have come home. I'm not nervous, I'm not scared, I'm just ready for the challenge. Ready for the possibility of winning. I love the feeling of silence right before the serve is hit, when anything and everything could happen. I love the glory of hitting a ball in such a way that there is no way in heck the other person will be able to return it. I didn't expect to fall in love with tennis, but I did. But isn't that true with any love story? Tennis is my life in the fall and when it's over I'm not ready for it to be. I'm excited for this next season! I'm offically on second doubles VARSITY with my best friend Melissa Rassmussen :)

We have come a long way since last year and I'm excited to improve even more! Last year was tough because me and my other best friend Emma didn't win a single game. Sad, I know right? But hey that last match we did against Layton, man that made a whole season of heart ache feel like nothing! We made Layton's first doubles team work hard to win! To look back and see how far we had come was an amazing feeling! I'm so grateful for tennis and all it has taught me! I know these are the memories I will be looking back on for the rest of my life, and maybe a little bit more after that :)
<3 Rach

Just Another Manic Tuesday

2011-08-02T17:38:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those days where you catch yourself totally falling apart? Well I had a major crying spill today when I found out my time on the Tumblebus was out! My wonderful boss Amy decided to sell the bus so I only have a week and a half left. When I found out I completely fell apart. I have had many break downs before but never on a bright yellow/blue/red bus (it was a once in a lifetime experience)! Luckily no one saw me, but my mom did hear me when I called her! Im such a mama's girl. Well all I could think about was the kids and how much I am going to miss them all. I feel like I just barely got the hang of things and got the kids to like me, or at least remember my name. I'm going to miss them all so much. Even the ones that make me go insane! I guess all I can do is soak in the moments I have left && of course take pictures! Hey thats me! What cha gonna do bout it? haha! I'm really hoping to get a job at a daycare close by. We go there for the Tumblebus and I absolutely love the kids! So my boss is once again being amazing and is going to let me to talk to them while we are giving them the bad news! So I will for sure let you all know how it goes (I need prayers people)! I'm excited to start this new chapter in my life. How does that saying go? One door closes, another door opens? Well I have a feeling this next door is going to be pretty special :)
Ta-ta for now!

A Week I Wouldn't Mind Reliving

2011-07-31T14:44:00.000-07:00

I would rather go to Girls Camp then go to anywhere else in the world. It was where my testimony began and for that I will be eternally grateful. Its a place where you feel loved and surronded by people who would do anything for you. Its a place where you can let lose and be yourself. You leave behind the world when you come to girls camp and you focus on your Savior, the girls around you, and your testimony. This year was expecially amazing because I got to be a YCL :) I adored my girls and the chance I got to make their week a little extra special. Alyssa, Elle, and Nat are all such amazing girls! I love seeing them grow up into the women they will become someday! I was their mama clam and they are, and forever will be, my baby pearls!

I even got to go on the 4th year overnighter with the little sophmores which was loads of fun! My experience with the overnighter last year.. well lets just say it was a disaster! But a disaster that we get to look back on for the rest of our lives with a huge smile! This year was a little less dramatic but great just the same. I made some new little friends that I know are going to do great things someday :) I even got to boss them around a little bit, which is just me being the motherly type ha! We got to sleep under the stars and be crasy all night long! Until everyone else showed up and joined the party :)

I also got to teach the dreaded certification! My goal was to make it as interesting as possible! But you can only do so much when teaching CpR! I hope the girls liked it! We put on a little skit that to me was pretty dang funny! :)

Something new this year was PLANKING! What a joy it is to do when you are bored! Well thats us, just being us!

Yah we did a lot of it :) can't you tell?

And then there was just being plain crasy! Haha who knew how much fun you could have with a camera??

I am soo grateful for the girls in my ward for always being there for me! They are so beautiful :)

One year done! Two years left? Maybe one? Ughh I cant even think about it! Tears will come! Ohh well enjoy it while you can :)

Instantly... :)

2011-07-24T18:24:00.000-07:00

You know when you are just moving along, doing fine until you discover something so amazing that it makes whole life better?? Like Finding a new band who's words are speaking like your very own soul has written the lyrics, seeing someone and never wanting to look anyone but them ever again, or just meeting someone who makes your life better! Well I absolutley love it when that happens! Like this weekend I got to one of my favorite places ever! Marysvale Utah! A little town in southern Utah that if you blink you might misss it. Haha but I love the history and the people especially. My grandma grew up there and we basically know everyone! Well anywho, I met some cousins (like 3rd or 4th) who I totally adore! Randa, Ka ka kaylee, and Zacariah are so fun! I really didn't want to leave them! Even though girls camp is coming up :) well now I don't even know what to do with myself without them around! I guess I will just listen to the neww band I have fallen in love with :) haha! Simple Plan is so old school but I swear they know exactly how I am feeling. Mix them with Angles & Airwaves and Jimmy Eat World I would be in heaven!! I look forward to some other instant feelings like for my prince charming :) yah I know those will be instant! Instantly in love...

Moments

2011-07-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

Their are moments in our lives that I think most of us take for granted. We walk on by without noticing their tenderness. Sometimes we might laugh and make a joke of what we experienced, excited to show everyone how funny it was. But lately I have been looking for those moments. Soaking them in. Some of them can really affect you, if you let them. Like for example: Yesterday after work I had a doctors appointment. I got their a little early so I sat down in waiting room. An older lady was sitting across from me, so I politely smiled and stared doodling around with my phone. Suddenly out of no where she said out loud "this was the best trip I have ever been on". I looked around wondering who in this world she could be talking to. But she was talking to me, considering I was the only other person in the room ha! So I asked "where did you go". She told me about her trip to california to visit her daughter and about the train she rode. In the twenty minutes I was in that waiting room I learned all about her childhood, the love she had for trains, and her view on life. But what really touched my heart is when she talked about what a missionary had told her one day how Heavenly Father would give her the chance to find a companion in heaven. She explained to me the joy she felt when she had heard that and how she hoped it was true. That is the kind of moment I am talking about!! How cool is it that I got the chance to meet this stranger and learn how a part of the gospel gave her so much joy! I know Heavenly Father put me in that room for a reason, to help me understand that I am so lucky to have the fullness of the gospel in my life! I am grateful for those little moments. Look out, you might have them too :)

Make A Difference

2011-07-19T06:28:00.000-07:00

This past weekend me and the officers at my school were apart of the Relay For Life. We had a lot of fun staying up all night and laughing but what was so amazing was seeing all survivors! It made me realize that cancer affects any kind of person. Man or woman. Black or white. Short or tall. Old or... young. I met this little girl Kaitlyn who had been diagnosed with cancer at the age of 3! She fought until August 28, 2010! She is such a inspiration to me. I am so grateful for the chance to meet her and that I could do my part for those who are battling for their lives. I am privledged enough to have a healthy body, so I feel its my responsibility to help those who aren't as lucky as me. I know I can't change the world but I would like to make the difference for at least one person. Yah that would be fine with me :):)

More Like A Family

2011-07-14T18:11:00.000-07:00

Ward? No More like FAMILY!
Yesterday me and all the young women in my ward went on a beautiful 5 mile hike for pre-girls camp thing! It was goregous! I love the girls in the Harmony Bluff ward so much, and don't forget our beautiful leaders! As we were walking I just kept thinking how grateful I am for the people who surrond me! I know for a fact I wouldn't be where I am at right now if it wasn't for the support the people in my ward give me. They welcomed me with open arms and loving hearts, and because of that I will be forever grateful. I'm more myself with them than anywhere else in the world, and I know that they accept me for who I am. I can't express my graditude in words :)

Become Like A Child

2011-07-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

Ever since I can remember I have loved playing with children. Its something I'm good at. Thats the reason why I absolutely love my job! Tumblebus is stressfull and hard but days like today makes it all go away! We had this little boy with asthma on today. Not that big of a deal seeing as we live in Utah and its pretty common, but you could tell he was sheltered because of it! This week is circus themed and at the first station we are teaching them how to flip on the rings! Fun, but not when your the teacher and you get hitt in the face constantly. haha! Well anyways he was terrified to flip so I just asked him if he wanted to swing on them, and he was still so scared. But he tried it! And he absolutely had the time of his life! I love the look they get on their face when they realize that they can do it. I love the fact when they first start to trust me and when they start to trust themselves! I got so many big hugs from little bodies and that makes my heart just feel soo good inside! I can't wait to become a teacher! I used to think of teaching 4th grade, but now I'm thinkin kindergarten! I love that age and the quote that says "everything I ever needed to know about life, I learned in kindergarten". I just want to touch just one childs life. And then I think I would be able to look back on my life with a smile, knowing that I made a big difference for a small child :)

In Good Company

2011-07-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

All these years I have had many friends. Good examples and meanies but I love the friends I have now! I love the fact that they love me for who I am and they don't try to pressure me to change. I love doing random things and laughing until I can't breathe. I love having a quote book and whenever something funny is said yelling " QUOTEBOOK!" like right now actually, hanging out with my best friend emma! We made a cake for our friend katie and wrote her a note saying how much we love her! We left it on her porch and rang the doorbell and drove away! I love doing things like that. I guess all those hard times finding friends led me to this, and for that I am so grateful! I hope I will be able to say those things about the problems with my family. I can't ever see anything good coming from this, but I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways! I'll just have to survive these next few years to see! "thy will be done"

Who I Have Become

2011-07-10T16:42:00.000-07:00

Looking back on the person I used to be, wow I'm not proud! I have made countless mustakes, man I wish I had a redo button! But I'm glad I can say that I'm satisfied with the person I have become. Doesn't mean I don't have things to work on! I worry wayyy too much about dumb things. I like boys who I know I have absolutely no chance with, so I can dream about them constantly, and dont have to worry about getting hurt. Sometimes I judge. But I'm honest. I stand up for what I believe in. I don't care about what others think of me, only what I think of myself. I feel bad for others who don't know who they are yet, but I guess high school helps that process. I'm not defined by a boy, I never have been. I don't need guys constantly telling me how beautiful I am to be happy. I'm fine just the way I am. But if you have a cute guy in mind, send him my way! Haha! Im glad I get to spend these next few years dating and having fun flirting it up! Because seriously, thats what high school is all about! I have plently of years to be with my one true love :) yes I'm a cheesy person who believes in all that soppy, romantic, love story crap! I always have been :) Doesn't mean its going to be easy! Just means its going to be worth it! I'm happy with the person I am molding into, and I hope that someday a boy will fall for me for who I am. Not for my body or my image or just for the sake of falling in love. But for all the silly little dumb things about me! And there will deffintely not be texting in that relationship! Haha I'm very opionionated when it comes to that stuff! Well all I can do is hope for the future and become the best person possible so when I do find that guy I can be the best wifey ever! Someday.... :)

The Future Is Bright

2011-07-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

I'm the kind of girl who dreams, and dreams, and dreams about her future. The present is hard, but the future is bright! I love the idea of going off to college and finding the man of my dreams, getting married in the temple, and having a beautiful family! I know its not going to be easy but I also know its going to be worth it! My mind really isn't interested in high school, I just want to skip these next few years. I know they are going to be a blast but I'm done with high school boys, and high school girls. Too much drama and too much hatred. There is more to life than dances, boyfriends, and mean girls. I feel like this is just a moment in time, but a family that is for eternity! I guess all I can do now is have fun and enjoy it while I can, but I don't think I'm ever going to stop dreaming :) but really whats wrong with that?

A Summer Of Change

2011-07-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

If you would have told me this what my life would be like in a year, I would have never believed you! A lot of things have changed. Some good, some not so good. I have lost a few friends and have had the unexpected happen. But it doesnt mean I'm not happy with who I am today. I'm soo grateful the people that are here for me. I guess when the bad things happen you get the chance to see who your real friends are. The people who you thought would never leave you side leave you to fend for yourself, but the real friends are always there! Through this tough time, my one saving grace is getting my mind off of everything! The Lord has blessed me with wonderful oppurtunities to serve others. Like being a officer for my school! I feel like that is where I am meant to me. With some of the most amazing people ever, making my school a better place for each student. Not to mention the Lady Falcons tennis team! Wow some of those girls know how to make me laugh and smile :) I'm really looking forward to girls camp because I get to be a YCL :) I always really looked up to the girls who were older than me and Im sooo excited to be there for the girls, to be an example. All of them are really sweet and kind and each one is going through something right now. I get to the be the person that is there for them. I want this year to be special. I want them to look back and think wow, those few days had an impact on my life. Cause that's what girls camp is all about! This life that I'm living, well it isn't perfect but I know that I'm lucky to be where I am. And I wouldn't be where I am without my Savior Jesus Christ :)

My First Post

2011-07-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

So this is my first post and I'm just a little bit excited! But before we dive in to my problemos you might want to know some things about me. I am LDS, as you might have guessed! But your probably wondering why my blog name is "Not Just Another Mormon Girl". Well thats a easy question to answer! I'm not your typical Mormon girl. I didn't grow up into a big family that went to church every Sunday, did scripture study together, or have family home evening. I was the exact opposite. My conversion story is a little special and I'm grateful for the testimony it has brought me. I grew up in Utah surronded my Mormons. Some of my best friends were Mormons and were always loving and supportive. So I was going through life, and I wasjust fine. But all I was was fine. I dont like to settle, and I was settling. I had been to a bunch of churches but none ever really stuck out ot me. I went to activity days with my neighbors and I also went to mutual and hung out with some amazing girls, but the first time I ever felt the spirit was at girls camp when I was twelve. You know those experiences in your life where it's like "BOOM" your changed for the rest of your life. So quick you have no idea what just happened? Well thats what happened to me. I felt the spirit soooo strongly I bore my testimony during testimony meeting, not even knowing what a testimony was. I just felt that I needed to share with the people around me, and the Lord, what exactly I was feeling. It was the beginning of something great. I got baptised when I was 14 by my neighbor and confirmed a member of the LDS church by my grandfather. Ever since then I have come a long way! I have been Miamaids president and given lots of talks. I have gotten my Patriarchal blessing and been given blessings during hard times! Many things have happened that have blessed my life. I thought the fact that my family wasn't getting baptised with me was going to be my biggest trial but gosh was I wrong! Divorce isn't the end of the world, but it sure did shatter my universe. Your probably thinking wow this girl is messed up! But I promise I'm not! I'm really passionate about what is important and I am a tad on the emotional side (maybe more than a tad). But I look at the good in every situation! I know the bad things that happen in my life will lead to something better. I like the idea of a fairytale? All the princesses had to go through a lot to find their prince!

I hope you keep reading and keep enjoying! I will post another soon!
Talk to you soon :)